Bible Jokes

A collection of jokes with quasi-religious overtones...

On the fifth day God created the beasts of the earth. First He created the dog and he told the dog, “You will do nothing but act as a guard and will sit on the porch and bark at people”. “For this I will give you twenty years.”

The dog said, “How about I frolic and play and sniff other dog’s behinds and sleep whenever I want to and I’ll give you back ten of those years?”

God granted the dog’s wish.

Then He created the monkey and he told the monkey, "You will be an entertainer and will do nothing but act silly and do tricks to entertain people.” “For this I will give you thirty years.”

The monkey said, “How about I ignore people and hang around in trees having a good time and I’ll give you back ten years like the dog did?”

God granted the monkey’s wish.

The He created the cow and he told the cow, “You will be a beast of burden and will toil mightily.” “For this I will give you sixty years.”

The cow said, “How about I stand around in green pastures and eat until I get very fat and I’ll give you back forty years?”

God granted the cow’s wish.

Tired of all these negotiations God created the other beasts and gave them no choice but after a good nights rest, when God created man on the sixth day He told man, “You will enjoy yourself and have a good time and for this I will give you twenty years.”

Man said, “That’s not enough years.” “Why don’t you give me the ten years that the dog gave back, the ten years that the monkey gave back and the forty years that the cow gave back?”

God granted man’s wish and that explains why we enjoy ourselves for the first twenty years, toil for the next forty years, act silly and do tricks for our grandchildren for the next ten years and sit on the porch and bark at people for the last ten years.

Theme Songs for People of the Bible:

  1. Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
  2. Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
  3. Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
  4. Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
  5. Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
  6. Moses: "The Wanderer"
  7. Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
  8. Samson: "Hair"
  9. Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
  10. Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
  11. Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
  12. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
  13. The Wise Men: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
  14. Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
  15. Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
  16. Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
  17. Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool. On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently. "What are you doing?" the priest asks. The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service." "Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car. The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies. "Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

There were many things spoken about in the Bible that you might not have realized were there. For example, did you know...

  1. ...there was tennis in the Bible? Joseph served in Pharoah's court!
  2. ...they had motorcycles? David's Triumph was heard throughout the land!
  3. ...people smoked? Rachael lit off her camel.
  4. ...there were a lot of short people? For example, Bildad the shoe-height, knee-hi-miah, and the Roman soldier who fell asleep on his watch.
  5. ...Solomon was only twelve inches tall? He was a ruler.
  6. ...they had Honda cars? There were 120 people all in one accord!
  7. ...they played baseball? At least they did in the big inning.

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi would get together twice a week for coffee to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."